I want to leave this place for a good long while and let it wash away. I’m stressed out and don’t need this mess right now. I’m sure you won’t miss me. You have better people and things to do to occupy your time.

~ buried way beneath the sheets, i think she’s having a meltdown….having trouble trying to sleep, she won’t let anyone help her

And when you said I could not stay with you
That's not the way you would have wanted to be
Convince yourself that everything is alright
'Cos it already is

Don't sell your heart and break just anyone
I want to run with you through moorland fields
Convince yourself that everything is alright
'Cos it already is
'Cos it already is

So take your lessons hard and stay with him
When your car crash comes, don't be misled
Convince yourself that everything is alright
'Cos it already is
'Cos it already is

So take your lessons hard and stay with him
And when your car crash comes, don't be misled
Convince yourself that everything is alright
'Cos it already is
Yeah it already is

So take him home
So take him home
So take him home

Take him, Take him home
Take him, Take him home...

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
would it matter anyway?
would it change how you feel

I am the mess you chose
the closet you can not close
The devil in you I suppose
'cause the wounds never heal
But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through 
The toughest part of the day 

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn how to feel

Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
It's more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
It wouldn't matter anyway
It wouldn't change how you feel.

So….Beth and Kristin got kicked out of the house they were living in. I feel bad, but a way I’m not surprised. But I also realize Beth keeps acting out because she’s overly stressed right now and doesn’t know how to handle it. I asked the parents if they would be willing to let her and Kristin spend the next couple nights in the motorhome. I just have to clean it out a bit and we could make sure they get a shower and the bathroom, as long we keep certain doors shut. I hope they can at least get their stuff if they’re not allowed in their house anymore. I also told her to keep her boyfriend away from here. I don’t feel comfortable with him around after he got in my face.

I need coffee…..o.O

I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone falls in love with somebody in their life who is disinterested in them. If everyone we fell in love with fell in love with us back, life would full of chaos. Jealousy would ensue, because we’d be having affairs with one another. Drunken parties would lead to unknown fathers of babies, because we all fell in love with the three guys sitting at the table across the way while being tipsy. We’d be confused, because we wouldn’t know who to keep.

Dustin didn’t remember a thing we did Thursday night. I can understand. Four glasses of straight everclear o.O I’m just glad I was aware enough of what I was doing to not do anything rash. Saw him again last night and we discussed it and laughed. He’s a fun guy to be around. I noticed Brandon got a bit tense when I talked to him. So I didn’t really want to push the issue. I gave each a brief hug (Brian, Brandon, Dustin) before leaving and Brian left with me because he wanted to head home before the guys did. He’s a good guy. We talked and he’s very insightful. I rather enjoy talking to him.

Anyone who wants to go to see Pirates of the Caribbean with me Monday night, say “Aye!”

~ she is everything to me, the unrequited dream, the song that no one sings….the unattainable….she’s a myth i have to believe in, all i need to make it real, it’s one more reason why i don’t know what to do when she makes me sad

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again

Walk down the realm
Hint to no one that this
Generic bond exists
Evil shows another side

And like before
Makes no sense
Never coming
Always leaving
Right before, hooked on substance
Dig in deeper
Can't reveal

Why we leave well enough alone
Never thought about the shame

So fed up what's with the scenes
Observe and leave instead
This pity wagon
Penetrates my skin
So sensitive
Makes me sick

And like before
Makes no sense
Never coming
Always leaving
Right beforek hooked on substance
Dig in deeper
Can't reveal

Why we leave well enough alone
Never thought about the shame

The old and the aged
Pulled
And never knew what hit (x2)

And like before
Makes no sense
Never coming
Always leaving
Right before, hooked on substance
Dig in deeper
Can't reveal

Why we leave well enough alone
Never thought about the shame (x2)

We leave (x2)

I want the world to lose its color
and it should slowly fade to black
so I don’t have to see your face anymore.
I want the sounds to disappear
even the music evaporate from being
so I don’t have to listen to your voice.
Even the odors should waste away
and dissolve into the oblivion they belong in
so your scent doesn’t waft through my nostrils.

You make me sick.

I know I’ve said this before…..but I think I’ll reiterate. I’m giving up on guys. They say things like “I’ve always wanted to date you….I guess we’re dating since you asked me out on a date and I accepted….I want to sleep on your floor to be with you…..” and then the next day pretend it didn’t happen. Or they spout sonnets and profess their love for you, and claim that you’re the only thing keeping them alive….and you find out they have a wife. (let’s rewind that…..and you find out they have a wife….repeat it one more time….and you find out they have a wife….i think that got the point across) Or they tell you they’re fine with just being friends….they don’t want to do anything to ruin their friendship with you….or your mutual best friend…..and then abandon you both because they all of a sudden “feel awkward”. Telling me to tell my feelings and problems to his face and yet he  doesn’t have the balls to tell me to my face…..I have to learn from a mutual friend of ours who’s been out of town for almost a year…..and now I’m not too happy with him either (for other reasons) Stupid guys. >.<

and don’t get me started on guys that are or have been involved with acquaintances and friends of mine….i can go a decade long of telling tales about betrayal, abuse, neglect, idiocy, and just pig-headedness…..

as suzy would’ve said “i feel so absconded” o.O

~ rescue me from this black hole that sucked me in and left me dying….you’re the truth that i’ve been seeking, because my whole life i’ve been lying